I Volunteer to Kidnap Ollie North
by Michael Levine - ©1992

   We Americans have no idea how the image of our great country has suffered throughout the world as a result of our leader's so-called war on drugs.  I just returned from an international drug symposium under the auspices of the OGD (  ), where I spent a week listening to representatives—members of police agencies, college professors, bureaucrats, elected officials and journalists—of virtually every nation in the world affected by drug problems, all of whom seemed to have one point of view in common: that the U.S. war on drugs was both a failure and a fraud.  

    The fact that it is a failure is readily evident on the streets of our country where it is proven in blood every day.  The indications that it is a fraud, however, are much more public knowledge around the world than they are right here, where our media has lost its courage to confront political power and continue to be the kind of watchdog over our Constitution that it started to be during the Watergate years.

    In Paris when I tried to claim that during much of my career as a DEA agent I believed in what my leaders told me; that our war on drugs really was our number one priority.  My international collegues were hard pressed to believe that a twenty-five year, veteran undercover agent for the DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration),  could be so ignorant of the facts, so naive.  They would stand for no excuses.  You took an oath, they said, to bring all  those who may have violated your nations drug laws to justice, then why don't you begin by arresting those in your own government who are accused of conspiring with and protecting the biggest drug dealers on the face of the earth? 

    I was left with no choice.  I had to defend my honor along with that of the many DEA agents who have dedicated their lives to this so-called war, in good faith. 

    I volunteered to kidnap Ollie North.

    Now for those of you who are unaware of the allegations of crimes against and bizarre actions of your leaders, all done under the banner of War On Drugs, this may seem a rash, impudent and even—yes I'll say it—irrational thing to do.  But I doubt that you'll feel that way once you're aware of the "devil" that made me do it: the facts.

    Two years ago a maverick group of DEA agents (Drug Enforcement Administration),  feeling enraged, frustrated and betrayed decided to take the law into their own hands.  The U.S. government, including high ranking DEA officials, had joined the Mexican government in trying to sweep the "bothersome" matter of the torture death of Enrique "Kiki" Camarena—one of their fellow agents murdered by Mexican police working for drug traffickers—under a rug of political and bureaucratic maneuvering, where it would not disturb oil, trade, banking and secret political agreements.  Even the C.I.A. was implicated in protecting Camarena's murderers, which was no surprise to the DEA agents.[1]  Working without the knowledge or approval of most of the top DEA bosses, whom they mistrusted, the agents arranged to have Dr. Humberto Alvarez Machain, a Mexican citizen alleged to have participated in Kiki's murder,  abducted at gunpoint in Guadalajara Mexico and brought to Los Angeles to stand trial. [2] 

    On June 16, 1992, the United States Supreme Court ruled the actions of those agents "legal."  The ruling said in no uncertain terms that U.S. law enforcement authorities could literally and figuratively kidnap violators of American drug law in whatever country they found them and drag them physically and against their will to the U.S. to stand trial.  Immediately thereafter the Ayatollahs declared that they too could rove the world and kidnap violators of Islamic law and drag them back to Iran to stand trial.  Kidnapping has now become an accepted tool of law enforcement throughout the world. 

    Resorting to all sorts of wild extremes to bring drug traffickers to justice is nothing new for the U.S. government.  At various times during my career as a DEA agent I was assigned to some pretty unorthodox operations—nothing quite as radical as invading Panama and killing a few hundred innocents to capture Manny Noriega—but I was  once part of a group of undercover agents posing as a travelling soccer team.  We landed in Argentina in a chartered jet during the wee hours of the morning, where the Argentine Federal Police had three international drug dealers—two of whom had never in their lives set foot in the United States—waiting for us trussed up in straight-jackets with horse feed-bags over their heads, each beaten to a pulpy, toothless mess.  In those years we used to call it a "controlled expulsion." [3]  I think I like the honesty of kidnapping  a little better.

    And now, since the democratic and staunchly anti-drug nation of Costa Rica has publicly accused Oliver North and some other high-level U.S. officials, of running drugs from their sovereignty  to  the United States, and appears close to officially charging them with the crime, I find myself, duty-bound to make the following offer to Costa Rica,  or any other nation that might have need of my services:[4]

    I Michael Levine,  twenty-five year veteran undercover agent for the Drug Enforcement Administration, given the mandate of the Supreme Court's Machain Decision and in fulfillment of my oath to the U.S. government and its taxpayers to arrest and seize all those individuals who would smuggle or cause illegal drugs to be smuggled into the United States or who would aid and abet drug smugglers,  do hereby volunteer my services to any sovereign, democratic nation who files legal Drug Trafficking charges against Colonel Oliver North and any of his cohorts; to do everything in my power including kidnaping him, seizing his paper shredder, reading him his constitutional rights and dragging his butt to wherever that sovereignty might be, (with or without horse feed-bag); to once-and-for-all stand trial for the horrific damages caused to my country, my fellow law enforcement officers, and to my family.

    Before I pack my horse feed-bags and chains, of course, my offer is based on the fulfillment of  two additional requirements.  First,  an examination of that country's evidence to determine—utilizing my quarter century of court-recognized expertise, my almost perfect record of convictions in more than 3,000 cases and the expertise of some of my angry, disenchanted, frustrated, albeit frightened-for-their-jobs, fellow agents whom share my feelings— that there  would be a high likelihood of conviction, should Oliver North be brought to trial in the U.S..  Second, that it appear unlikely that U.S. authorities would ever conduct a proper narcotic conspiracy investigation—as opposed to a Senate hearing, which is like comparing a toothpick to a pneumatic drill—into the mountain of evidence indicating the systematic and massive violations of U.S. drug laws by Colonel Ollie and other high ranking U.S. government officials whom, as the evidence seems to indicate,  aided, abetted and empowered him,  and then covered up for him.

    Now unless you're a dedicated drug war fan whose been following this three decade,  hundred-billion dollar fiasco closely,  you've got to be wondering what kind of evidence there could possibly be that this "American hero" who hid in a motel john to write his memoirs, violated United States drug laws? [5]

    It will surprise many to know—since the mainstream media gave this important event very little coverage—that the Nobel prize winning President of Costa Rica,  Oscar Arias—as a result of an in-depth investigation by the Costa Rican Congressional Commission on Narcotics that found "virtually all [U.S. supported] contra factions involved in drug trafficking"—banned Oliver North, U.S. Ambassador Lewis Tambs, National Security Advisor Admiral John Poindexter, Presidential Advisor Richard Secord and C.I.A. station chief José Fernandez, by Executive order, from ever entering Costa Rica— for their roles in utilizing Costa Rican territory for cocaine trafficking. [6] 

    Costa Rica is not some third-world banana republic; it's considered one of the most enlightened, educated and truly democratic societies in the Americas—a nation without an army, secret police or a C.I.A..  And the really ironic part of their accusations against North and the others is that all  of the many tons of cocaine involved were destined to  the United States.

    In my twenty-five years experience with DEA which includes running some of their highest level international drug trafficking investigations, I have never seen an instance of comparable allegations where DEA did not set up a multi-agency task force size operation to conduct an in-depth conspiracy investigation.  Yet in the case of Colonel North and the other American officials, no investigation whatsoever has been initiated by DEA or any other investigative agency.

    When President Bush said,  "All those who look the other way are as guilty as the drug dealers,"  he was not only talking about a moral guilt, but a legal one as well.  Thus,  if any U.S. official knew of North and the contra's drug activities and did not take proper action, or covered up for it,  he is "guilty" of a whole series of crimes that you to go to jail for;  crimes that carry a minimum jail term;  crimes like Aiding and Abetting, Conspiracy, Misprision of a Felony, Perjury, and about a dozen other violations of law related to misuse and malfeasance of public office.  If the Costa Rican charges, along with the growing mountain of evidence right here in the U.S.A. are ever fully investigated, I'm afraid we'll have a new jail overcrowding problem. 

    I'm not talking about some sort of shadow conspiracy here.  As a veteran, criminal investigator I don't deal in speculation.  I document facts and evidence and then work like hell to corroborate my claims so that I can send people to jail.  

    What I am talking about is "Probable Cause"—a legal principle that every junior agent and cop is taught before he hits the street.  It mandates that an arrest and/or criminal indictment must  occur when there exists specific, facts, circumstances and evidence that would give any "reasonable thinking person" grounds to believe, that anyone— U.S. government officials included—had violated the federal narcotic laws.  Any U.S. government law enforcement officer or elected official who fails to take appropriate action when Probable Cause exists, is in violation of his oath as well as federal law; and under that law it takes surprisingly little evidence to show enough Probable Cause for an arrest and conviction. 

    As an example, early in my career (1971), I arrested a man named John Clements, a twenty-two year old, baby-faced guitar player,  who happened to be present at the transfer of three kilos of heroin—an amount that doesn't measure up to a tiny percentage of the many tons of cocaine that North and his contras have been accused of pouring onto our streets.  Clements was a silent observer in a trailer parked in the middle of a Gainesville, Florida swamp, while a smuggler—whom I had arrested hours earlier in New York City and "flipped" (convinced to inform for me)— turned the heroin over to the financier of the operation.   Poor John Clements, a friend of both men, just happened to be there.   There were no recorded incriminating conversations of Clements' voice; he wrote no prof notes; he didn't shred any documents; he did not lie to anyone; there were no millions in unaccounted funds at his disposal.  He only had about $3 and change in his pocket.   In fact,  we couldn't prove that John Clements earned a nickel from the deal.  He was just there.  Yet under the law I had more than enough Probable Cause to arrest him—which I did. 

    Poor, young Mr. Clements couldn't claim "national security," or that he was under "political attack;" nor did he have elected officials clamoring for me to drop my investigation so that he could get on with the "more important" business of trying to govern his foundering life.  And so it was, after a full jury trial—which is my ultimate goal for Colonel Ollie and his gang—the federal judge in Gainesville, Florida,  sentenced him to thirty years in prison,  where he remains to this day,  for Possession and Conspiracy.  Clements was present during the transaction therefore, it was presumed, that he had to have knowledge,  and that was enough to prove Possession and Conspiracy to a jury of American citizens.[7] 

    Criminality in drug trafficking cases is lot easier than proving whether or not someone lied to Congress and is certainly a lot less "heroic."  Statements like "I don't remember,"  "I didn't know," and "No one told me," or "I sought approval from my superiors for every one of my actions,"[8] are only accepted as valid defences by Congressmen and Senators with difficulties balancing check books—not American jurors trying drug cases.  

    But before we can get to a trial there must first be an investigation.   And if   the American people demand and finally get that investigation—which would make my kidnapping mission unnecessary— it must have as its goal the answer to some very specific questions, of which the following are only a small sampling:

    My first question to Colonel North—under oath—would be: Why did you campaign to obtain the release of Honduran army general, José Bueso-Rosa from a federal prison, after his arrest for smuggling 763 pounds of cocaine and murder?[9]  Bueso-Rosa's partner in the venture was international arms dealer Felix Latchinian, who in turn was an ex-business partner of C.I.A. agent Felix Rodriguez, who, in turn, was in charge of the contra's  supply network in El Salvador.  If this sounds complicated just remember that all this drug trafficking activity was paid for by U.S. taxpayer dollars. 

    In North's efforts to spring the drug dealing general, whose case the Justice Department described as "the worst case of narco-trafficking in history,"  he asked for President Reagan's support,  and got it —I would want to know, why?[10] 

    North, when he wasn't shredding was not too good at covering his tracks. He wrote several damning prof notes to National Security Advisor, Admiral John Poindexter that wound up in the hands of Senate investigators.   In one such note he wrote that if Bueso-Rosa was not made happy he could "sing songs that nobody wants to hear." [11] North's actions and the notes prompted former Ambassador to Costa Rica, Francis McNeil to state, "What were those songs? Were they about narcotics or possibly something else?  " [12]    If this were my drug case I'd begin a real  narcotic conspiracy investigation that wouldn't end until I knew every note and every verse of every song Bueso-Rosa had to sing.

    Colonel North appeared on a radio show—Michael Jackson  KABC, Los Angeles California, 11/11/91— to promote his book. I was telephoned at home in New York City and asked to participate in the discussion.  I listened while Colonel Ollie lied on the air by claiming General Bueso-Rosa had been arrested for "some political reasons." When I confronted him and asked him about those "songs" he referred to, and Ambassador McNeil's comments, he indicated that the answer to my question would be a violation of national security.[13]

    How in God's name in a nation with a drug-related homicide rate comparable to war-time casualty statistics, can the protection  of any  drug dealer be in the interests of national security?  I have worked undercover all over the world, from Bangkok to Buenos Aires, on the highest level drug trafficking cases, and for the life of me have never seen the validity of such a claim. 

    Since there is no way that it can be proved that the ounces and grams of cocaine that DEA agents and police officers like Everett Hatcher, Eddie Byrnes and Chris Hoban died trying to take off the streets, was not part of the 763 pounds that North's friend, Bueso-Rosa, smuggled into the country or the many tons North's contras bombarded us with, I would insist that North, President Reagan and all those U.S. officials who feared that Bueso-Rosa might sing his "songs," explain—in a court of law—how   the release of this drug smuggler was necessary for our national security.  President Nixon tried to hide behind "national security" and we know what happened to him.

    And what of Colonel North's 500 handwritten pages of personal notes devoted to drug trafficking, including mention of specific  drug transactions and references to known, major drug traffickers like Carlos Escobar and Manuel Noriega, whom North was known to work closely with in the resupply of the contras?  Why has not, every single page and notation been thoroughly investigated as would be done in any drug trafficking case?   These hand-written notes also document North's numerous contact with high-level DEA officials throughout the time period covered in his memoirs, yet the only mention of drugs in his entire, allegedly factual, book, is a page-and-a-half disclaimer stating that the Special Prosecutor spent "tens of thousands of dollars" investigating the drug-smuggling allegations against him and the contras and that if any of it was true "it surely would have come out." [14]  If only books were written under oath, I wouldn't have to kidnap Ollie.

    Potentially the most damning physical evidence against North—his five-hundred pages of diary notes referencing drugs—were never even received by the Iran-contra investigators.[15] What kind of an investigation could they have possibly conducted?  If poor John Clements had the Kerry committee investigating him, he'd be playing his guitar in some bar now, instead of serving his twenty-second year in prison.

    The total "public" investigation into the drug allegations by the Senate was falsely summed up in the statement of a staffer, on the House select committee, Robert A. Bermingham who notified Chairman Hamilton on July 23, 1987, that after interviewing "hundreds" of people his investigation had not developed any corroboration of "media-exploited allegations that the U.S. government condoned drug trafficking by contra leaders . . . or that contra leaders or organizations did in fact take part in such activity."   Every government official accused of aiding and covering up for the contra drug connection, Colonel Ollie included, then hung his hat on this statement, claiming they had been "cleared."

    The only trouble was that investigative journalists,  Leslie and Andrew Cockburn—after interviewing many of the chief witnesses whose testimony implicated North and the contras in drug trafficking, including several whose testimony was later found credible enough to be used to convict Manuel Noriega—could find not one  who had been interviewed by Bermingham or his staff.  In fact, the two journalists seem to have caught Bermingham red-handed in what can only be described, at best,  as a gross misrepresentation of fact, when he (Bermingham) quoted the chief counsel of a House Judiciary subcommittee, Hayden Gregory as dismissing the drug evidence and calling it "street talk."   Gregory told the Cockburns that the "street talk" comment was taken out of context; that he had not even met Bermingham until July 22 (two days before Bermingham wrote the report) and that he had in fact told Bermingham that there were "serious allegations against almost every contra leader."[16]

    To any DEA agent with experience working high-level, international investigations that threaten"special interest" operations, even the half-baked ones like Colonel North's,  all this has a familiar stench to it—the rot of high-level cover-up of official crimes and misconduct. A stench too many of us have had to live with in fear and silence throughout our careers.   Senator John Kerry put the situation quite succinctly when he said that, as he saw it,  the covert network [set up by North and aided by the C.I.A.] "became a further exploitation of the American people by violation of the narcotic laws, and it became a channel for the perversion of our own judicial process and enforcement process."[17]

    During the Iran/Contra hearings, virtually all testimony implicating U.S. officials in drug trafficking was given in secret session, prompting senior investigator Jack Blum to state, "I am sick to death of the truths I cannot tell." [18] A sample of the kind of testimony heard in private was that of C.I.A. station chief in Costa Rica, José Fernandez who testified that as part of his C.I.A. duties he had to protect drug dealers.[19]  Felix Milian Rodriguez, Medellin Cartel accountant and money-launderer—and  C.I.A. asset—testified in a closed-door session, from which the public and press were barred, about the cartel's $180,000 contribution to the Reagan Presidential campaign.  He also testified about  a $10 million "contribution" the drug cartel made to the contras — at the C.I.A.'s request.[20]

    Yet, with all the official rhetoric not a single United States indictment charging any U.S. official with narcotic law violations has been forthcoming.   How ironic that the only official accusation would come from Costa Rica. 

    During my long career as an agent, I never lost a drug case anywhere in the world, (including far-flung places like Bangkok, Frankfort and Buenos Aires).   My employer, the Drug Enforcement Administration, in fact,  called me one of their top experts—a record and reputation I used to be proud of.[21]   I would relish my own country giving me the opportunity to conduct a real conspiracy investigation into these allegations.  But if they don't, to kidnap Ollie North for Costa Rica seems like the least I can do for the American people. 

     Now, you might ask, since there is so much evidence and information indicating wide-spread and high-level, "official" U.S. government involvement in drug trafficking, why focus on Ollie North?   

     I've been extremely successful throughout my career,  picking out the weakest link of a conspiracy chain, the link in the most damaging position,  the one most likely collapse and testify against the whole chain.  I used to teach and lecture on Informant Development and Handling as part of my duties for DEA.  A good sign of which criminal will make the most promising informant is often what I call the Stool Pigeon Profile.  The best "stools" are usually morally weak, not-too-bright and given to petty thievery.  They are cowardly people whom—when it comes to saving their own skin—are capable of unlimited treachery.  

    Most top-level criminals, for example, don't make good informants; they are oddly "moral" people who tend to adhere closely to their own criminal code—preferring to do time in jail to "turning rat."  The biggest drug dealers place a high value on their word and reputation; they will do multi-million dollar drug deals on nothing more than a handshake or a phone call. They usually have a powerful aversion to petty thievery recognizing that those associates who show themselves to be petty thieves are the least likely to be "stand up guys" if arrested—the most likely to turn rat. 

    Colonel North clearly comes under the category of Petty Thief.  His conviction for illegally accepting a $10,000 security system, considering the the many millions of unaccounted dollars that went through his hands, amounted to nothing more than the pettiest of thievery.  The conviction was overturned by the Supreme Court for technical reasons, not for reasons of fact.  And there were other petty theft allegations for which he was never tried.  His safe, for instance,  usually contained thousands of dollars in traveler's checks he claimed were "given" him by contra leader, Adolfo Calero; checks that he used for groceries, clothing (Park Lane Hosiery) and snow tires—a misuse of funds that would have gotten a DEA or FBI agent, fired from his job and indicted for Larceny.[22]

    Add to this how easily Colonel North turned on the man who called him "an American hero," when he blew the whistle on President Reagan, while he was conveniently not  under oath and on a book tour, making headlines with his "opinion" that the President "probably knew" of all his activities; and the fact that many of North's personal notes referencing drugs are coincidental with notations indicating phone calls to Cap Weinberger and Claire George (already under indictment for lying to Congress and Perjury) and  Dewey Claridge (already convicted of perjury and lying to Congress).   Retired Major General John Singlaub, himself deeply implicated in the Iran/contra scandal said of North:  "To people all over the world, Ollie North was a hero.  But I knew better.   There was a wide gap between the media image .... and the sordid reality of his true character and performance.....Ollie, like other cowards, had faced a hard choice and made his decision."[23]

    Colonel North also clearly comes under the "not-too-bright" category of potential informants.  I mean it boggles my narc's imagination that after  he was allowed to spend countless hours at the shredding machine he left  all those incriminating pages untouched.  This is precisely the kind of presence of mind I look for in a stool pigeon.

    With the heat of a mandatory jail sentence under North I doubt that it will take much convincing before tells an American Grand Jury the words to those "songs."  His personal notes might then corroborate hundreds of overt acts—the best possible evidence you could have for a conspiracy investigation.   North's diary might then be compared to the already incriminating diaries of Cap Weinberger and Claire George.[24]  Who knows where it will all end.

    Potentially Colonel "Shredder" North could be the greatest snitch in Organized Government Crime since Deep Throat of Watergate infamy; the weakest and most corroded link in a chain linking together the Titanic of criminal Government Conspiracies.    It would be the kind of investigation to make the mouth of a professional narcotic conspiracy investigators water; easier than locking up a high school marijuana ring—if   the politicians let us do our job.   

    There is little chance that this evidence and information will ever be investigated in this country, since the very people who would be implicated as North's co-conspirators are the foxes who run this well-pillaged hen house; the critters who have already displayed their propensity to lie and destroy evidence and their power to hide behind "national security."  Apparently the only chance I'll get to fulfill my oath to the American people will be if Costa Rica does the job for us.  Unfortunately the Costa Rican authorities have found that the biggest enemy in their  drug war are the American politicians and bureaucrats who are desperate to look the other way.

    In fact, when Costa Rica began its investigation into the drug trafficking allegations against North and his smarmy little group, and naively thought that the U.S. would gladly lend a hand in efforts to fight drugs, they received a rude awakening about the realities of America's war on drugs as opposed to its "this-scourge-will-end" rhetoric.

    After five witnesses testified before the U.S. Senate, confirming that John Hull—a C.I.A. operative and the lynch-pin of North's contra resupply operation—had been actively running drugs from Costa Rica to the U.S. "under the direction of the C.I.A.,"  Costa Rican authorities arrested him.[25]  Hull then quickly jumped bail and fled to the U.S.—according to my sources—with the help  of DEA, putting the drug fighting agency in the schizoid business of both kidnapping accused drug dealers and  helping them escape; although the Supreme Court has not legalized the latter . . . yet. [26] 

    The then President of Costa Rica, Oscar Arias was stunned when he received letters from nineteen U.S. Congressman—including Lee Hamilton of Indiana, the Democrat who headed the Iran-contra committee—warning him "to avoid situations . . . that could aversely affect our relations." [27]

    Arias, who won the Nobel prize for ending the contra war, stated that he was shocked that "relations between [the United States] and my country could deteriorate because [the Costa Rican] legal system is fighting against drug trafficking."  [28]

     He didn't know the half of it.

    Costa Rica petitioned the United States for Hull's extradition.  At present, Costa Rican public prosecutor, Jorge Chavarria has expressed his desire, "at minimum" to question North as a "materiel witness."[29]  Evidence and testimony has been presented to the Kerry Committee about North's direct supervision of John Hull, including the fact that throughout the period Hull is charged with his crimes, North was paying him $10,000 a month.  Therefore, it is a foregone conclusion by all of us with experience in the techniques of international narcotic prosecutions, that if   Hull is extradited and convicted in Costa Rica, North and the rest of his crew will logically follow. [30]           

    Unfortunately the State Department has since rejected the Costa Rican petition for Hull's extradition, sending it back, for reasons of form  (technical deficiencies) effectively delaying it.  The newly elected President of Costa Rica—President Calderon, a known supporter of Colonel Ollie's contras—is not too anxious to re-file the extradition request—at least not while President Bush is in power.  In fact, as my sources have told me, the Costa Rican government has already been threatened with losing U.S. aid if the charges against Hall don't "disappear."[31]

    In all likelihood,  it will be a cold day in hell before those U.S. authorities, willing to make our nation the most hypocritical on the face of the earth by invading other countries, murdering innocent civilians and violating international law, allegedly to capture drug dealers, will adhere to Costa Rica's extradition request for accused drug trafficker John Hull.  Why?  Because Hull is another man who fits squarely into the Stool Pigeon Profile. If he gets heavy jail time—not Community Service, the sentence given to most of the already-convicted Iran-contra crooks—and "flips," he is liable to sing the same kinds of "songs" we might have heard from General Bueso-Rosa; songs about all those he was working for—North?  Poindexter?  Reagan? Bush?  God only knows where the songs will end once we get people singing.  No, there's no way in hell that the the powers-that-be—without a federal judge of the caliber of a John Sirica or a House of Representatives with the courage and integrity to challenge them—are ever going to allow that to happen.

    But as a retired narcotic agent who cannot distinguish between the ounces and grams of white powder found on almost any street corner of every inner city in our nation—killing innocent children and the law enforcement officers trying to stop the madness—from the many tons of the stuff that Colonel North and his cohorts are accused of spilling onto our streets, I say "If they're guilty, they gotta go!    They've all  gotta go to jail, no matter who they are!"   If they don't, I'll have a hard time living with myself and the memory of the thousands I've put in cages for the same crimes they're getting away with.

    So if my government refuses to cooperate with another country who is willing to put these alleged drug traffickers on trial;  and all that's needed is a little kidnapping; I've got the horse feed-bags and handcuffs ready, and I'm willing to travel. 

    I volunteer.